What I've been doing while ignoring my blog

Ok, as you all well know, I suck at blogging. I'm never going to be consistent and that is something I am comfortable with. However, I decided to fill everyone in on what I've been doing while I'm ignoring Accidental Housewife.

1. LOTS OF WINE

My husband and I are wine snobs. We love the sip of a great Rose next to a pool or a first taste of a wineries estate grapes. Totally in love with the rolling hills of the Central California Coast, we decided to park our trusty Kodiak at a beautifully kept RV park in Paso Robles. Paso is my perfect town. It's small enough to not be too infested with crime and pollution, yet big enough to not have the grocery check out girl know your shoe size. I love it. Perfect weather, perfect location, perfect. Eventually we'd love to move there and buy decent sized property; until then we decided to pretend for a month and it was glorious. I'm fatter, tanner and definitely happier.


2. I HAD A MINOR HEALTH SET BACK

With my flare for the dramatic, I nearly ripped the door off my husbands car after he told me "no" once. I know that sounds insane but I can explain. After a year of intense mood swings (that we started tracking) I was left with 2 options: Option A) divorce my husband, open a cat sanctuary in my back yard, die alone, be eaten by my cats...or- Option B) figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Obviously the cat thing would have only worked out if I didn't have family and friends that would check me into a hospital Britney Spears style and I prefer to be cremated over becoming a cat buffet, so I went with Option B.
My 30 years of Hypochondria had given me the proper tools to research the possible horrifying reasons that my personality had changed so much in one year. I narrowed it down to early menopause or PMDD. After further research it became quite clear to me that based on the timing of my outbursts it was Pre Menstrual Dysmorphic Disorder. When I figure out how to control these severe symptoms, I will most likely post them here to help with other women fighting this severe form of PMS. I refuse to be labelled a hysterical woman.
The good news is I found a great therapist.

3. I'M ACTUALLY TRYING TO WRITE A BOOK

Thats basically all I'll say about that right now because of my superstitious brain.

4. OH YEAH, I HAVE CHILDREN AND A HUSBAND

No, my near homicide on his beloved Audi did not cause my husband to pack his bags. We are both far too invested and far too lazy to ever get divorced. Plus, he and I now understand that it wasn't my fault and there is something to be said in giving your spouse grace and acceptance. So, until that dreaded week of the month (ironically the week before my least favorite Aunt comes to town) returns to make a play for it's Oscar...we know we need to build our home so strong that even the big bad wolf of PMDD can't blow it down.

My kids are only vaguely aware of what has been going on, but I've been fairly honest. They keep me busy enough to not dwell on the drama of PMDD.

5. I'LL NEVER BE DOOGIE

Remember the time when Neil Patrick Harris was a teen doctor? I do. I had the biggest crush on him and loved that he stopped at the end of each show to type his diary into his now-antique computer. That show made me want to keep a diary; my over-active brain prevented me from doing that. I'm easily sidetracked so I know this blog will never be consistent and that is totally ok.

So, here are my list of excuses.
I swear they're true.
Sarah

Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks...

Jesus love you. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.

*A lesson to all idiots. Not just the ones that run Indiana. 

I remember seeing the phrase above on a bumper sticker about 10 years ago. I remember thinking “Thank God, He does” and chuckling to myself about how many people probably think I’m an asshole. Why? Because I can be a very judgmental person and that character trait has done as much good as it has harm. 

For today, I will use it to explain to everyone in America how to Calm. The. Fudge . Down. These are things I’ve learned while watching and judging for the last 33-ish years.

1. Some people are BORN gay. This doesn’t make you gay. They are gay. Got it? Great let’s move on.
2. There are many religions. In the spirit of being different and unique- people can be Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Wiccan, Jewish etc etc etc. People even have the right to not believe in anything.
3. We are placed on this Earth without written assignments. Whether or not we become dicks is usually determined by what parents we get stuck (or blessed) with. 
4. In order to make our country free (I’m not naive enough to believe it already is) we must allow our people feel free. The law in Indiana makes people uncomfortable because it gives people the freedom to exercise their asshole ways while using the religious excuse. 
5. Religious texts are often misinterpreted. I can assure you, the majority of the most despicable members of the “religious right” completely missed the Bible’s point. 
6. People have the RIGHT to disagree. That is NEVER EVER EVER going to change.

This is a Civil Rights discussion. The problem is that everyone has civil rights. Yes, even them. So, lets look at the Indiana drama as a blessing dressed in ragged overalls and a toothless grin (this is how I picture all bigots). If anyone actually utilizes their right to discriminate then it is our job as non-idiots to stop frequenting their place of business.  Before the law, the people of Indiana had no idea what kind of place they had been giving their hard earned money. I’m sure dozens of former Memories Pizza customers spent a good 1/2 hour trying to scrub the taste of bigot-pizza out of their mouths. Beautiful pizzas constructed with ignorant hands, the horror. 

We tell kids to follow the golden rule and treat others how you’d like to be treated. Have we ever told ourselves the same thing?  Treat assholes with kindness. Don’t eat at their establishments, don’t shop at their stores, don’t have Bob the Bigoted Barber cut your hair. Or do all of those things, I don’t care. If we exercise our right to discriminate against idiots and assholes then we will eventually weed out the herd and make things right. 

The biggest waste of time is spent forcing others to be like you. Life would be awesome if we started compromising instead of bullying. As Americans, we are taught that compromising is weak and we should never settle for any less than our way. Well, when you have millions of people being taught that it’s their way or the highway a compromise is down right brave. Start opening your minds, truly accept your neighbor and be willing to work together……..

Sorry, I just caught myself trying to try. 

I guess I’ll go back to secretly judging others. Watching this country go down the tube. 

Jesus may love everyone and I'm always trying. However, just because I love my neighbor doesn't mean I have to love their actions. I'll never love bigotry. 

Christmas: Gifts Ain't Nothin' but a Number.

It's apparently Christmas time. I wasn't aware that that season now started on November 1st, was there a memo I missed? Some festive lights have been popping on in our neighborhood my house is still happily living in fall. I've decided not to be a bah humbug about it, but I am definitely not there yet. Yesterday I tried putting on my Christmas playlist in the car....yeah no.
Since I cater to a larger audience that just myself, I decided to start giving out some holiday advice now to help you better prepare for your holiday. Today I'll tackle budget setting.
I have already been answering questions from family and friends inquiring about what my 3 kiddos would like for Christmas. They tell me their budget on occasion to help me with ideas. I give them a few suggestions, but I add. "Don't feel the need to price match the kids, if Aiden's gift was $20 and Sophies was $12 please don't find 8 bucks worth of crap they don't need just to be fair". Save that money or donate it to my kids favorite charity if you must spend equally  (yes my kids have favorite charities). It sickens me to see that Christmas has become so commercial that we are programmed to think that it needs to cost more to be a great holiday.

When I was little, and still under the impression that Christmas was a special holiday full of joy, food, family, and the Peanuts gang, I never would've thought to question the dollar amounts of my gifts so I could compare it with my brothers. I'm assuming that since my kids aren't cynical adults, that they too, won't be concerned with actual cost. Now saying that, I'm not telling you to buy your favorite niece or nephew an effing pony and the rest chewing gum; but if Johnny really wants a baseball (but you set aside $20), so you buy more when all he cared about was the baseball, that's just silly.
Christmastime should be more about the time spent with family, warm nostalgic feelings, and dirty martinis (does everyone not associate this holiday with Bond's favorite beverage, so they drink copious amounts of them?) instead of breaking the bank.

This year I fully intend to go "all out" with Christmas cheer (on the day AFTER thanksgiving, the way God intended) and I can't wait to start shopping for gifts. I absolutely love gift giving. I do it all year long because I love it so. If my friends are ill, sad, happy, etc...they get a gift. I will buy gifts whenever I see something that reminds me of a loved one. It can be a bottle of wine for Missy or some Sasquatch cup for Brett- it is just something I love to do. Recently I started to think about what I will be getting some of my friends and family this holiday. I had read an article that suggested picking a theme for your holiday gifts to keep you on track. This idea sounded right up my alley! So I'm going with a secret theme for most of my gift giving this year. I will not be setting a budget, but a budget ceiling. "I will not spend over $whatever on this person." It sounds cold, but I think it'll help me actually expand my ideas. What about all the great stuff you can find under $50 that you'd never see if you're skipping right to the $100 +.  My husband recently turned me on to the best website. It's called, thisiswhyimbroke.com and I have already got a ton of great ideas from them. Expand your horizon! Get people you love things that they'll instantly love, instead of gifts they immediately move to their re-gift cupboard (admit it, you have one). Roll with this premature Santa spirit, and start researching some ways to change up or improve your holiday experience. Also homemade gifts are awesome too. I know I'd rather get ridiculous amounts of strawberry rhubarb jam from my Aunt Helen or salsa from my Aunt Irene than anything else they would buy me; hint hint.

So, that's my first bit of holiday advice. I'll be focusing on that "theme" of advice for the next month or so. I'm even going to start up an Accidental Housewife Pinterest page and Instagram. Be sure to look them up and follow!

I'm a Halloweenie

I AM A HALLOWEEN FANATIC!
I can't remember not being obsessed with the magical fall holiday of Halloween. While other children were patiently counting the days until Christmas or their birthday- I was busy planning my costume and waiting for my mom to put out my favorite decorations. I also love creepy things. Again, I can't remember not being the weirdo that both loved and hated scaring herself. I loved playing hide and seek with my cousins because I'd crave that rush I would get while waiting in the dark of my chosen hiding spot. However, every time I'd hear the seeker get close...I'd pee my pants.
33 years later and I'm still a bit too scared to play hide and seek but spend at least 1 day a week watching horror movies. Long story short: I love Halloween. I have also created 3 more little fanatics that plan their costumes in March and beg Mom to put out the pumpkin decor in September.
I'll be sharing some of my favorite Halloween traditions, crafts and recipes with you as well as fun holiday challenges.

HALLOWEEN MOVIE CHALLENGE 2014

I AM GOING TO ADD

1. IT'S THE GREAT PUMPKIN
2. GARFIELD'S HALLOWEEN SPECIAL
3. HALLOWEEN TOWN

These are all Kid friendly for sure, while the others depend on how you parent.

Why Infidelity is a Miserable Bitch

So, you've met the man of your dreams. Your heart is all a flutter with the hopes and dreams of your future with him. He buys you flowers, jewelry and takes you on weekend get a ways. This man is perfect. He'd be even more perfect if he'd ditch that damn wife of his.

Yeah that's right, he's flipping married. He bought a diamond, some china and a home with another woman. He made promises and children with another woman. 

Did he tell you she was crazy? Wax poetic about how he wished he'd met you sooner? Yeah I bet he did. He's a fucking liar.

No this is not about my personal situation. My husband and I are both way to far up each others asses to cheat. Our needs are met and we take our commitment seriously. Plus I'm Latin and he doesn't want to die. I am speaking of the numerous times that I've watched this story unfold around me. I've been the ear of friends that think they're in love with married men and I've listened to the grievances of the jilted wife. I've even heard the BS that can spew from a man who is cheating. All these years of listening have given me enough fuel to feel pretty strongly about infidelity and how it could be prevented.  

I used to love the show Reba. It had all the stupid crap I look for in a sitcom. Funny characters, a whiny teen, stupid antics. It also had the most unbelievable plot that I've ever seen. A divorcee living with her 3 kids, left with nothing after she helped her husband build a career to which he thanked her by impregnating his assistant. Of course they all become best friends and confidants. This plot line is probably what most men hope will happen after they bang their secretary, right? Everyone will be super understanding and move on. It doesn't happen that way. There will be insane bitterness and childish behavior. There will be tears, ugly tears, kim kardashian ugly tears. It's real life and being cheated on sucks.

When I was younger I had terrible taste in guys. I dated 2 different guys in high school and they both eventually cheated. The first one probably wanted sex. Actually I know he wanted that. I just wasn't willing to give it to him and he found girls that would. Good for him. The second one I had planned a future with. After 2 years, an engagement and me pretending to support his dumbass ideals he found a girl that was giggly and even younger who would make him feel like a king. That one really hurt. It's hurts to know someone lied and fooled around exposing you to diseases. Lucky for me I was 20 and apparently not really in love. I mourned that relationship for 3 weeks before picking myself up by my boot straps and moving on. Soon after I met my husband and the rest is history. I couldn't imagine the pain of having a man I had built a life with cheat. That pain wouldn't be fixed by some shots with your girlfriends and badmouthing his penis size. It would change who you were as a person no matter how much of a feminist you consider yourself. 

I would love to hear from even more people who have been in any of the situations I described above.  The wife, husband, lover etc. It would be anonymous of course and I would use the info for a fairly long research style blog post. If you're willing to share with me please email me at sarabelle81@gmail.com

Thanks Sarah

Homework Is BS

Homework is bullshit.

No, I'm not a 15 year old with tons of algebra and history to finish before I can jet out to the mall with my friends. I'm speaking as a 33 year old mother of 3.  I have 2 kids in grade school and they both have an average of 2 hours of homework a day. Add that to their preferred extra curricular or our family routine and they are left with no time to be actual children. My complete disgust with our education system grows every year, but due to the fact that there is no amount of alcohol on Earth that will make me patient enough to teach them myself...homeschooling is out of the question.

I like the idea of necessary homework. Practicing spelling words or a few math facts. I do not understand why my daughter needs to learn fresh concepts with me at the helm. I'm not qualified to teach math to anyone. I was once the dumbass senior in the freshman algebra class in High School. During the first week of 3rd grade my daughter came home with division problems. That would be fine except she hadn't learned how to even multiply yet and when school closed in May she was still on subtraction. So was I to understand that I could now add math teacher to the list of crap I do all day? 

More and more of my friends are starting to home school. When I was a kid the only kids that were home schooled were members of creepy religious cults. Now-a-days every other mom on Facebook is sharing her first day pictures of well rested kids in their pajamas doing science projects over breakfast. I wish I was capable of being that mom. I selfishly love my quiet days to myself when my darling angels are someone elses problem for 7 hours. I clean the house, lunch with friends, go to Target without having one argument regarding why I am not buying cheese puffs or another barbie.  I feel like I've put in the time, suffered the loss of my abs and the luxury of privacy and in return I'm given those days to myself.  I'm also a terrible teacher. Within moments of attempting to explain the concept of division to my 8 year old, I'm just doing it for her. Sure she writes it down but I'm the one counting the numbers and guiding her to the answer (guiding is a nice way of saying giving). She's tired of learning by 3pm. She's been doing it all damn day and wants her break. By the time we finish our first hour of semi-attentive learning she completely gives up. Tears begin to flow, her teacher's name is cursed and her older brother is now in the room telling her to shut up so he can concentrate. It isn't a pleasant experience for anyone involved. After we finish math, we move on to her spelling word practice, timed math facts, reading and reading log questions. Sometimes she brings home a school book and gets to re-read a story THAT THEY ALREADY READ IN CLASS THAT  VERY SAME DAY to me. Because everyone knows, parents love stories about fluffy bunnies cooking a stew that your child already knows the ending of and therefore is completely exasperated with the idea of re-living it. During the year they sprinkle in projects that are a complete waste of everyones time, not to mention the new common core curriculum that has made school work even more tedious.  "Solve the math problem, then write a paragraph on why you used that method"...REALLY? After 6 years on this side of the homework battle I'm ready to throw in the towel. 

No one is prepping for college in 3rd grade (my thoughts on college are for a complete other blog  post). My daughter doesn't know what she wants for an after school snack let alone have her adult life planned out. Elementary school is meant for learning basic knowledge and social skills. After school hours should be fun. Playing with friends, baking cookies, sports, actually reading for pleasure etc. 

Those things should be just as important as learning how to divide apples amongst a hypothetical group of friends.

America is not the educated super power of the day. Obviously our system isn't working. Instead of having quality learning and proper time management during school hours, we under pay teachers and force kids to spend time coloring the apples that they are supposed to be multiplying. Extra work is pushed off for the parents to handle and every year it gets worse. Kids come home from a long day at school and are forced into busy schedules at home. Rushing through homework isn't always an option so family time is put on the burner. When our kids can't focus with the ridiculous amount of pressure placed on them we pump them full of medications. We lose time for a proper family meal and toss frozen corn dogs or fast food junk at them in between different activities. Our kids are becoming fat little sociopaths. 

Since I can't fix the world (no one will let me, I keep offering) I've decided to pick one battle at a time. We parents have to possess some type of power. Our tax dollars pay for the education system...right? An anti-homework revolution needs to happen before our kids are clinging from a clock tower shouting obscenities at strangers after they finally snap. Who is with me? Or do you enjoy finding the answer to "How many of Pablo's friends got green apples and how many got red"? 

I already went to school. I'm too old to re-live 3rd grade.
Plus...calculators are awesome.

It is fall...because I declare it so. A housewives ode

Bust out your yoga pants ladies! It's fall. Sure its 100 degrees outside and the trees are still greenish,  I'm in an autumn state of mind regardless. I am officially declaring it so. I'm sure if Oprah made that statement instead of little ol me and my teeny audience it would have more bearing. I had a long summer. It was both busy and fun yet boring at times. It was freaking hot. Heat makes me moody. I also hate wearing summer clothes. The cloud of melancholy has always followed me. That type of personality was made for chunky knits and corduroy skinnies, paired with knee high leather boots and those adorable boot socks peaking out. Come on ladies, you are so excited to bust out that outfit. On days where you just need to make a Target run after hitting up Starbucks for your Pumpkin Spice latte (or my personal fall drink, Chai Tea Latte), you pull out your favorite pair of yoga pants and a cute hat. Whether or not you actually do yoga is up to you. Speaking of our housewife mecca, Target. Have you been by their fall section yet? I'm currently trying to snag up the patio stuff on clearance. In my hometown fall is when we start eating outside more. It's too damn hot to host a party in the summer. Everyone ends up hanging out in your kitchen with the AC blazing. In fall we go outside. I've already filled my patio flower pots with cinnamon scented pine cones to set the mood. My house would be covered with them too if my husband hadn't banned them to the outdoors. Don't worry about inside though. I've got my harvest scented Scentcy and apple pie candle going. My dogs are munching on pumpkin flavored raw hides (they're confused but will eat anything)  while I do laundry in my perfect climate (aka got the AC bumping') in a complete amber haze of autumn.

Whey do we love fall so much? I do not recall the housewives of the 80's and 90's being this nostalgic. I completely blame Target and their clever hipster marketing team. They've made fall more awesome and the other stores just followed behind. Who do you think follows the stores? Wives and mothers and those damn kids.

I've always loved fall. It was and is my favorite season. I grew up in  northern Utah and fall is beautiful there. While I'm glad my family moved from there when I was 11, I am so grateful to those fall memories of leaf piles and orange hues. I'm grateful because fall in my life since has been hot. It sucks. Because it sucks I've had years to perfect the faux fall that seems to be all the rage now. My oldest son was my only victim. His birthday happened to fall in October and that is by far my favorite month. I'm a Halloween fanatic (see above's melancholy cloud) that is in a very festive mood all month long. Well, I cheerfully packed his bag for the hospital. An adorable little pumpkin long sleeved outfit and a brown chunky lion beenie. Well, that kid entered our house in a short sleeved onesie with the name of the hospital on it and beenie free. It was 95 degrees outside. It was worse than the week before when I was still huge and pregnant. At least then I could sit in a cool pool half the day. Even the best fall faking can sometimes be reminded that I don't live in a quaint Connecticut farmhouse seen on Pinterest, but a sweaty dessert valley in California.
I haven't purchased my first Chai Tea Latte yet but I'm nearly there. I think everyone has their own personal touches that get you into the fall mood. We can't all be about yoga pants and coffee. I used to love being a kid this time of year and can only remember the really good things about seasons. For example, I loved having white Christmas's but never had to drive in the weather or shovel my sidewalk twice a day.  I'm sure there are annoying or trivial times in my memory somewhere but they aren't there when September hits and I immediately get excited. A couple other things that immediately put me in a fall mood are the dang pine cones and The Rocky Horror Picture show. I but the cinnamon pine cones the minute they come out (Michael's is always first in mid August) and then watch that movie while the kids are at school and I'm power cleaning. I have seen it 800 times and don't need to sit and watch. I sing the songs while stepping over pets while carrying laundry baskets all over the house. It's my me time and it's amazing. In November these things will switch to baking cookies and Christmas Vacation. I'm the most predictable person on earth.
I'm patiently waiting for October to hit. My favorite month is filled with 2 of my children's birthdays, a Broken Bells concert with my husband, Monday night footballs with our best friends and my beloved Halloween. So help me out ladies. Lets declare it fall and get the good moods flowing. Turn on The Great Pumpkin early this year or turn up the speakers in your SUV to your fall mix. You don't have a fall playlist on your iPhone? Stop reading immediately and make one...

my early fall contributions