New Year= New Sarah

I have been a really crappy blogger. My apologies to my, like 6 non family followers. Well, my scattered posting is not for no reason. I've been a busy broad and have been going thru some sort of "third of life crisis" (however with the amount of stress I've kept inside it could very well be mid-life since my heart will probably give at 60). Around the time I turned 30 I started feeling very uncomfortable within myself. I looked around at all the superficial people I kept in my life and all the activities I had devoted myself to and realized that I was super unhappy. This all came to a head while doing a group prayer with the MOPs group I was involved with. I had an overwhelming feeling that I needed to flee. I can only assume this feeling came from God Himself and since I at least attempt to do what He'd like me to--I fled. I scooped up my Sophie and booked it for the car. I ended up at my mother in laws in tears. I had a complete epiphany that my life up to that point had been a series of parts I had played for different people. I hate to sound like Oprah but I hadn't been my "authentic" self...ever.
There have always been glimpses of the real me. I had this little blog and I posted my recipes and the occasion wrote about my opinions, but that was it. It dawned on me that day that I had been the biggest poser for most of my life--and that is really pathetic. I should have known I was a closet people pleaser when I pretended to like the New Kids on the Block during 4th grade. I hated that group with every fiber in my being. The only thing I hated more was being the total and complete dork that I was, so I strapped on my NKOTB fanny pack and learned the name of at least one member (Joey) so when the lame girls asked me who my favorite was I had an answer. My real favorites were Robert Smith, Morrissy and the works of Modigliani.
The best thing that ever happened to me was the rumor that one of the New Kids was gay. All the little molly Mormon girls ripped their posters down real quick and moved on to whatever was new and hip.
I guess we all have done our fair share of posing. At least I hope you have so that I have a support group of others that have pretended to be someone they weren't to fit in. If not then you can just laugh at me as I wallow in my shame.
After my ah-hah (more Oprah) moment I had to get really honest with myself. I needed to figure out what I wanted to do and be during this one and only shot that we get at life. I already had the big stuff handled. I am happily married with 3 kids and a pretty decent core group of friends. I just now need to rid myself of all things that make me un-authentic. I will move on to 2012 with a completely clean slate. I will be unapologeticlly me (sorry mom). One night my daughter was uncharacteristically hard on herself (she usually nauseates us with her self esteem) and my son gave her really good advice. Aiden said "God made you the way you are for a reason. When you say or think bad stuff about yourself, you're insulting God. If He thinks you're perfect than you should too". My 8 year old had no idea that I needed that advice more than she did. I was made for a reason and I need to celebrate that. I challenge everyone to think real hard about who they are and if they're comfortable with that person. Lets all make 2012 authentic.