When I was 12 I started restricting food. I had been skinny my entire life until puberty and I was desperate to loose the baby fat that had accumulated in my middle and face. My body had formed into the "apple shape" that I've been trying to hide my whole life and I didn't know what else to do. By the time I graduated high school I was perfect. I was tall, thin, tan, and with the witty sense of humor of a young Diane Keaton. I was not healthy...at all. I frequently lost hair, was lethargic and suffered from intense hunger headaches. My daily diet consisted of a big Dr. Pepper and advil. Needless to say, I was a mess. My new boyfriend (Scott) didn't think being thin was worth all the trouble. He gave me an ultimatum--him or my lifestyle. He won.
It's been 13 years since Scott convinced me to eat. I married him in a size 6 wedding dress and felt like I'd finally found a way to be happy with the way I looked. I felt more energy and no longer felt sickly. Just when I began to be comfortable with my new body Scott got me pregnant. Fast Forward 11 years and three kids later and I'm the jolly mess you see today attempting to find a swimsuit that falls somewhere in between stylish and Amish to cover all my least favorite parts.
When did it become the norm to be skinny? I've seen photos of Bettie Page and Marilyn Monroe in their bikinis. They had large chests and full hips. They didn't have that flat as hell stomach that we aspire to today. By no means were they "fat" (a word I loathe but use daily) but healthy and sexy. Somewhere in the techno filled 90's everyone stopped eating. I blame all the heroin. Models got thinner and thinner and pressure to be small increased. I fell for it and apparently everyone else did too or cleanses and fat wraps wouldn't exist. I understand the desire to be young and hot before kids but now the pressure is on for moms to be MILFS and this chick can't keep up.
We are mothers raising little humans into the adults they'll become. I know I fell victim to the tortured rants of all the adult women in my life bitching endlessly about their muffin tops or the number on the scale. "Look Mija I look like I'm pregnant with a horse" my beloved grandma would say while patting her stomach. She didn't realize how negative words against herself would affect my life. My little brain would tally up all the negativity my female influences had and tack it onto myself. I saw that these beautiful, successful, smart and caring women placed their self worth in the size of their clothes and while they didn't mean me harm, they impacted the way I viewed myself.
So now I am the mother of a son and two daughters. They've heard me call myself fat or seen me refuse to go swimming around strangers. They've seen me do a few fat cleanses and diets. They've seen my weight fluctuate. They've heard me speak negative words in regards to the way people look. Although I believe I'm a good mom and I don't mean to do/say these things around my kids I know they've taken it all in.
This is where I am today. I don't want my kids to think it's okay to be obese. I'm in no way saying that we should teach them to eat whatever they want and live lazy lives as long as they're happy. Obesity causes health issues that are killing Americans every day. What I'm simply saying is that instead of forcing yourself into a swimsuit to make memories with them (I read that in another blog recently and is a great notion) we should be wearing them to show our kids that everyone is made different and we are all beautiful. I will continue to teach them that the right foods are fuel for our mini temples and that exercise keeps those temples healthy. I will buy cute swimsuits and walk around in them because I shouldn't care what others think. My body might have loose skin and stretch marks in the midsection but that's because I had big healthy babies in there. My boobs might be pretty damn big and hard to smash into cute tops but they fed 3 children and make my husband happy. I'm by no means obese and by no means done trying to be healthier, but I'm done trying to be anybody but Sarah. I'm a wife, a mom and damn good person. I'm going to own all of
that, chubs and all.
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