Love and Marriage

In the last year (5/14/10-5/14/11) I have attended 3 weddings. The first one I actually performed as a Rev. of the prestigious Online Christian Unity and Scott was the best man. The next 2 I was grateful enough to not actually be in the weddings (Scott got that honor) and was able to just be a guest and have fun. Weddings have a way of making you think about your own wedding day. I've written about this before so I won't bore you, but I have often wished I had handled that day better.
For starters I highly don't recommend getting hitched at age 20. I was in love, blah, blah, blah but I was entirely too young to grasp what I was signing up for. I had received oodles of sugar coated advice and even a "you can always get divorced". Yet sadly I was only about 75% sure I was marrying "the one". Now Scott and I have talked about our misgivings on that day so what I just wrote will not make him the least bit surprised. Surprisingly he was also not entirely sure. I know it's shocking to think that I would not be the ultimate catch (hypochondria, OCD, and a complete obsession with swearing are on all guys short lists) but he wouldn't have been surprised if we killed each other. Today I completely believe that we were supposed to meet, marry and poorly prevent our children. I believe that now...
This June will mark 9 years of marriage with my Scotty. My dad loves the joke that he and my mother have been married for 33 years--5 of them happily. Scott and I could probably say that, but not be joking. The first couple of years were a struggle. Both of us were incredibly selfish and stubborn. Those two qualities do not a happy marriage make and it occured to me around 2005 (3 years in) that one of us was going to have to bend.
We already had Aiden and I fully grasped the magnitude of being a mother. I smothered that kid with every ounce of attention and energy I could gather. I had never wanted a child so God gave me the greatest baby that had ever been born (it's true, I've looked into it). I totally ignored my husband, but on a good note that selfish thing in me kind of fixed itself.
I am sure many people find this sad but Scott and I had one thing that gave us hope: we were 100% best friends. Regardless of how I had felt about him as a husband or father he was still my "homie", "partna in crime", etc and that one thing got us through the rough 4 years and into the awesome following 5.
When people get engaged I would bet more that 3/4 of them start planning a wedding. No one ever plans a marriage. My dad told me that I shouldn't waste my time with weddings and just get married in Vegas. He was sort of right. I planned a wedding, picked flowers, selected a venue and menu but hardly a thought went into how I was actually planning on living with one person for the rest of my hopefully long life. 9 years later I couldn't tell you what we ate, what time of day it was and sadly I can't recall our vows.
One thing I do remember is sitting at the head table with my new husband and a gaggle of bridesmaids (half of which I currently loathe) watching an actual black cat strut right in front of us. The guests laughed and went on eating; I on the other hand snapped out of my wedding coma and realized I had just gotten "for reals" married and a frickin' black cat had just doomed it.
Fast forward and I am now an experienced wife. I have been married long enough that people don't look at me like a naive newlywed. I've seen many a friend get divorced and thought "wow why am I so lucky?" I will now tell you why:
For starters ask yourself one question--"Is my spouse my best friend?" If your answer is no, well I feel sorry for you. I could not imagine having to hang out with someone all the time that wasn't my best friend. There have been times where I have wanted to smack Scott and times where I didn't agree with his parenting choices or lack of husband like duties, but I know one thing and it's that he's hella cool and I love him. I am very sad to see that a lot of marriages around are not the same. I sometimes wonder if they even like each other. The husbands don't go home til 8 o'clock because they would rather be out at bars with friends than with their families. Scott has a social life but he puts his family at a higher priority.
I may not remember saying them but I take my vows seriously. I often wonder if brides and grooms ask their pastors, priests or online reverends to speed through that portion of the ceremony to get to the fun stuff, like money dances, faster. I think the idea of marriage is a sinking ship. People want a party not the clean up.
Growing up I never saw my parents fight. That's a good thing I'm sure but an unrealistic view on marriage. My dad told me when I was little that a good husband never makes his wife cry. I love that man but it was a total crock (sorry dad)--After being married for a few months I was convinced I had the worst marriage in history after arguing with Scott in Albertsons over his desire to purchase an entire block of cheese (did I mention I'm also a control freak and was cheap as well). I went home and told my mom that I was failing because we had fought. Joy quickly informed me that they argued also but did it away from me and Ed; thus confirming that my father was full of it. I had built up wedded bliss to be a damn Brady Bunch episode and never thought it would actually get rough.
The reason for my spewing this marital tale is that no one tells you it's going to be hard. No one tells you what to expect from your spouse or what qualities your relationship (best friend example) should have before even thinking about getting engaged. However they'll tell you what colors your bridesmaids dresses should be or what exotic locale would be best this time of year for honeymooning. Big Daddy was right about weddings--they don't matter. Big Daddy was wrong about marriage--it can make you cry.
Last night at the reception there was a table set up for those of us experienced wives and husbands to write down some advice for the happy couple. I could have given them any of my many words of advice--
Always try, Choose your battles (I learned this after the cheese incident), wait a bit to have children, etc. but instead because I am nothing if not frank I left Isaac and Crystal with the same advice I'll leave you with tonight: Always have serious discussions and/or arguments in the shower, I dare you to yell at someone naked. It's impossible.